food reviews

Trader Joe's Mozzarella Shreds

 Rating:

Amanda Bynes
-4/10

(Disgusting)

Although intended to be delicious, these shreds smell like they've expired, and taste more funky than I had imagined. I tried to use them for Caprese, but they dashed all hopes for deliciousness. Maybe it was just my experience, but I found these just as gross and pointless as Amanda Bynes. 

Trader Joe's Chia Seeds

Rating:

7.5/10

Jennifer Lawrence

Chia seeds, first of all, do not taste bad. They're reminiscent of poppy seeds. They taste good on bagels, in salads, in smoothies, and basically anything else you can put them on. Not only are they not vomit-inducing, but THEY'RE SO GOOD FOR YOU. In only one tablespoon, they have 3 grams of protein, 2.9g Omega 3, and 6g of fiber. They're cool, exciting, pleasant, and new. Just like JLaw. 

Vanilla Almond milk

Rating:

9/10

Kate Upton (not showing her boobs)

As a skeptic, I wasn't sure this would come anywhere close to matching the Stewart's Skim I've been drinking for over ten years. But to my surprise, this has the same consistency and smoothness as regular milk and the vanilla flavoring added a great spin.  

Soy yogurt

Rating: 

0/10

Sarah Palin w/ Gun, 'Murica bikini, and Smoker

I've always shied away from Stonyfield because even their regular yogurts tasted funky, like unwashed fruit puréed with sour cream. I should have kept that in mind before choosing this for breakfast. Thank goodness it was the first food of the day or else my last meal would have made a reappearance. This gag-inducing soup of chunks should not be consumed by humans.

Organic Natural peanut butter

Rating:

 4/10

Orlando Brown (From "That's So Raven)

Kind of awful, but bearable. Only slightly reminiscent of the smooth, sweet and salty PB, or hilarious sidekick to Raven,  I'm used to. This is PB with the laughter sucked out of it. This is PB after it served a 25-year sentence in prison. And this is Orlando Bloom after he was arrested for DUI and possession of pot. For the second or third time. 

Hemp vanilla protein powder

Rating: -9x 10^77

Macaulay Culkin

I don't know yet. Between the puce green color, the rancid smell, and Steph's claims that it was "horrible," I've been too afraid to try it. But stay tuned for a new post, I'm mustering up my courage soon.

-Katherine

God it's so gross....I put it in a glass of water and it didn't dissolve. I forced myself to drink the chunky green water, and I spit it out in the sink. I tried the powder again in a chick pea salad with dressing, and also a smoothie. Both of these foods were fantastic before I added the powder. After I added the powder, I threw them out. 

-Steph

Coconut milk

Rating:

 7/10

Adele

Smooth, creamy, and sweet with the slight hint of coconut. Unlike regular milk, it's ok to find tiny chunks floating in your glass: it's natural!

Chocolate cat cookies

Rating: 

9/10

RDJ

What can I say to describe the wonders that are Trader Joe's Chocolate Cat Cookies? These li'l buggers were my saviors during the first few days of veganhood. Each cute little cookie packs the punch with a very strong chocolatey flavor and a satisfying melt in your mouth texture. Finished the giant bucket in less than a week.

Gatherer's granola

Rating:

 11/10

Queen Bey

This is the perfect health snack. The ideal balance of crunchiness and smoothness. My personal favorite flavor is Chipmunk's choice which is a blend of oats, almond, peanut butter, and maple syrup. As an all-natural, gluten-free local brand, I can't recommend this enough. 

Rice loaf bread

Rating:

 2/10

Ben Stein

Don't be deceived by its simple, run-of-the-mill (haha get it? k, I'll stop) white bread appearance. This stuff is jank. It is extremely dry and stale-like, as if it was only pretending to be bread consumed by humans. Tastes like sand, similarly to Ben Stein.

Quinoa

Rating:

 8/10

Jennifer Aniston

Commonly confused for couscous, quinoa is a unique, protein rich-grain that pairs great with veggies or beans. A little bit goes a long way. I was pleasantly surprised when I enjoyed it and I'm glad I discovered this vegan staple.

Brownies from a box

Rating:

5/10

10/10 as batter

Kim Kardashian

A poser for real gooey brownies. Not only did these have a cake-like consistency, but they tasted like really smooth sand. Like eating flour. They promise so much, but turn out so little. I wish we didn't bake them and just left it as batter. 

Cookies from a box

Rating: 

5/10 the first day

6/10 the second day

10/10 as batter

One of the other Kardashians

Similarly to the brownies, these were cookie posers. Significantly less useless than Kim, but still useless. They baked in a way that made them look like store bought cookies, but they tasted sad. The second day they got more chewy, and tasted a little bit more like the batter. Nonetheless, I don't recommend.